Aug 4, 2007

My little town can whip your ass...

...but not right now.

Oh no. It'll take about two years to do it. Faster, if you try to start a business.

"Where good little businesses come to die!" is the motto boldly displayed on the Chamber of Commerce's seal of this 440 year old town. There's a heavyweight developer making huge noises about turning this idyllic village into a "world class" resort. *snort!*

My little town sez, "bring. it."

(Before this starts to sound like some John Cougar song, let me assure you that Mellencamp has never been here. If he had, you'd have never heard of him.)

This little town sits on the banks of an inlet with an exotic name that translates into English as, "slaughter." Charming, that.

So, you see Mr. Developer, you and your corporate dream of hosting the rich and famous of this world in some fancy resort can jolly well get bent. Because my little town will bend you to its will and make you cry like an amateur contestant on The Apprentice. It's garrotted better pirates than you. It displays garrottes as a matter of pride. The whole town will turn out to turn your neck into jelly.

This place is uniquely qualified as the Perfect Storm of Slack. It has all the right non-moves: It's been here longest, suffered plagues, pyromania, plunder and politicians (I repeat myself) and has summarily dispatched every plan to make itself into something. Its denizens quickly learn to quash the onerous burden of Hope, and renounce Efficiency and Diligence as the bewitching handmaids of Satan.

Smug, satisfied, and subjugated to the local families whose names dot the history books, my little town has deified Slack as the One Truth, and confirms this nightly with a communion of rum and re-tellings of past glory. Non-believers are disposed of in the bay, fast-trackers are tolerated only long enough to bleed them of their money and dreams of a better life. They slink away back North to play golf and pretend it didn't hurt them, or it didn't happen.

No wonder this place is the Honeymoon capital of the South. It's good preparation for a long and happy life: kill ambition, do as your told, have a drink.


Libby Spencer said...

How funny. This could be the sister town of my old home in the north. Northampton, MA, the retirement home for young people.

Nice blog Joan.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Thanks, Libby. I'm delirious with the rush of self-approbation and attention!!

This could be addictive.

Peggy U said...

The picture is pretty. I like the idea of slackerville. If our town has a personality, it is that of an ADD child. Immature and starts over-ambitious projects it doesn't finish (or completes in a half-assed manner).

Joan of Argghh! said...

Sounds like the town just north of here!

Thanks for visiting my humble little town-on-the-net!

lizardbrain said...

I almost didn't read the "Snake Eyes" post at the moronblog, but now I'm glad I did, if just for the link to this place.

I'm a crocodilian imprisoned in the cold, cold North (temp now, at 0914 on August 19, is a heart-slowing 59) for the foreseeable future. Nice to see posts and pix of one of my favorite places. And the posts are even semi-literate! ;)

I'll be back.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Thanks, lizardbrain! And thanks for the link-love, too.

I love the little moron-blog icon and covet one for myself. I've been commenting over at Ace's since about the beginning, so maybe that would qualify me as a total geek!

lizardbrain said...

You're welcome.

I stole the Billy Moronblogger icon from its creator, S. Weasel, who I'm sure would be happy to grant you permission to use it, given the right emoluments (wink wink). If not, you can do what I did, and just download it from my blog. Stoaty, btw, has Absolute Moral Authority to make fun of morons, having ridden the short bus himself. Be gentle with him, and use simple words.

If you click the Total Geek icon on my blog, you can take the Geek Test and find out what kind of geek you are.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Oh great. I'm a total geek. I'm such a geek that I knew it before I took the test.


lizardbrain said...

Total geek. Yay! The geek shall inherit the earth.

Oooo! Mutual link-love. Thanx.

Um... this doesn't mean we're engaged, or anything, does it? I'll call you tomorrow. Honest.

dff said...

The retirement home for young people!

Oh, that's perfect! A buddy of mine retired there right after college (OK, well - during).

Jessica Boots said...

I came here from Lex's blog. If I had to guess this place judging from the pic alone and the "honeymoon Capitol of the south" (which kinda gave it away) I would guess, _______. Could be wrong but that is my guess! I have been there many many times and grew up not far from there!

Strayhorn said...

Howdy Joan -

I used to live in a similar town, Nags Head, NC, in the mid- and late-70s. It was peopled mostly by artists, surfers, fishermen and other malcontents.

Alas, it was discovered by the developer crowd and last year it was described by the National Geographic (of all people) as "criminally overdeveloped."

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to your town. I'm still looking for a good place to live.

Cond0010 said...


Kinda reminds me of the town that my Mother and Step-dad moved to in the Smokey Mountains (ie the locals are always 'fixin' to get this job or that job done ... eventually).

Thing is, i see ocean in that pic of yours. ;)

Sounds like a nice place to retire as long as your not 'fixin' to do anything but ... well.. slack.

Hmmmm... nice name for your blog, Joan.