Oct 22, 2007

Wal Mart at 3:00 a.m.

Crystal, the funniest blogger alive, has riffed on crazy people in Wal Mart. And you may have to count her among the crazies, but at least she takes good notes while being "out there".

Now, she doesn't say she was in WM at 3:00 a.m., but I posted that title because that's when I go to Wal Mart, and I totally am going with a mini-meme here, ripping it from the Boobster. I call it, "mini-meme".

Why shop at 3:00 a.m.?

I do it to teach my hormones a lesson.

Lately, they've taken to waking me up, for no good reason, at around 2:30 a.m. and not letting me go back to sleep until around 4:30 a.m. I don't take any of that sort of abuse from my internal systems. They throw down an insomnial guantlet, I take it up and say, Ha! You want some of this? Do you really want to be awake, sister? I gotcher "awake" right here.

Usually, I'll get up and do housecleaning or work of some sort, just to show my innards who's boss. Actually, I think I treat my inner clock like my mom treated her eight unruly kids: "you wanna run away from home? Here, let me pack!" and we'd wail as she shoved us out the door with a little forlorn paisley suitcase in hand. Never one to be blackmailed, my mom. God bless her for that.

So, I refuse to let me hold myself hostage to insomnia. Just watch sleeplessness get all reticent and shy when I give it what it wants, in the form of Shopping At Wal Mart at 3:00 a.m. Air-talkers, Ambien-walkers, and lonely stalkers all arrive about that time. I am careful and armed with big scary words and phrases that sound legal. Or I just answer their over-interested queries in Spanish. "No entiendo. Favor de dejarme en paz, cabron."

I actually buy things I need, get back home and sleep until about 7:30 a.m., thanking the job-gods for a 2 mile commute.

Then upon another night's turn down to turn in, I warn my recalcitrant innersprings of my plan to go to the carwash tonight, should I find myself awake again.

Yeah, it works. Thanks, mom.


Erica said...

Good God, sista! I was perfectly fine believing you were the same age as me. Now, not so much.

It is quite the shock for me to learn that the majority of bloggers on my blogroll are either going through or have gone through their "changes," or have grandchildren, or are Vietnam veterans.

We still soul sistas, though. Even though your hormones wake you up at 3 a.m., and I could sleep through the night.

I know, I know, they all tell me, "Just you wait." For the time being, I'm perfectly content buying my feminine protection after work, and not the Hour of the Greyhound Bus Freaks, or WalMart Shoppers.

Erica said...

Oh, wait...do I have to do a meme, too? Oy, I'm so DONE with those things.

Joan of Argghh! said...

No, darlin'. Not hot flashes. Just "awake". The doc tells me it's not hormones since all the tests come back negative, but I gotta call it something.

Because it certainly isn't my conscience keeping me awake.


Joan of Argghh! said...

And good grief! Now I gotta post something else to push this chick-post down on the page.

Jean said...

Familiar sounding sleep pattern!
It do indeed suck.

Suzette said...

Welcome to the wonderful world of feminine insomnia. Its like the dark side of the "Ladies Who Lunch", - we're the "Women Who Wake". Sleep time is reduced but blogging time is way up.

Jack's Shack said...

Wal Mart at 3am sounds like the title of a trip from hell.

Joan of Argghh! said...

New commenter! New commenter!

Welcome Jack, or his shack, whichever ye be!