Feb 14, 2008

This will have to do for now.

I'm tired of looking at Hillary. So, in what is likely to be my only foray into the cesspool that is crap-blogging, I present the following essay, found in the forums at Amazon.com, for your consideration. And, it's a seemly way to move Hillary a bit further down the page.

What? You were expecting a Valentine's Day post?

At the least, it serves as a Public Service Announcement for the Restroom-Etiquette-Impaired, as it eschews the most vulgar terms, while being very forthright. Still, Miss Manners might not approve.

I think the anonymous author of this work betrays a bit too much about himself by some of the terms employed, i.e., Turd Burglar and Astaire, which I don't think mean what the author purports they mean, so you know, use with extreme caution:

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

From the comments, courtesy of Pam: Then there's the 'poop dialer', who talks on his cell while sitting in the stall...

My Personal Trainer sends this one: Beaching one - when the turd lands out of the water up on the porcelain.

13 comments:

Hammer said...

I never knew there were names for all these behaviors.

Well done!

Erica said...

Groan.

I'd sooner take my chances doubled over in pain and pretend I just have period cramps if those are my only choices. I have a No-Pooping-At-Woik policy.

If it is simply unbearable, I could go down the block to the neighborhood bar, where I am a regular anyways, and chances are, if I were to revel there later, the bartender would be different, as would the clientèle.

There's always a way around these caveats. And if anyone'll find them, it's gonna be me.

Joan of Argghh! said...

A "regular" at the bar, Erica?!! Heeheehee!

Anonymous said...

I'm assuming that this article is directed at women? I can't imagine that many guys would fall outside the "out of the closet pooper" category. In my experience, my gender is one that generally takes pride (or at least finds humor) in it's emanations.

Joan of Argghh! said...

I'm sure it is a helpful guide for persons of either sex.

A woman I know quite well has employed many of these tactics.

*ahem*

pamibe said...

Then there's the 'poop dialer', who talks on his cell while sitting in the stall... ;)

LauraB said...

Am I the only one who courtesy flushes? And what of the Lingerer - the person who comes in while you patiently wait for them to leave - but they never do? Likely they think you are the lingerer and are waiting for you to leave. Detante.

And does anyone else ensure that a square of paper is dangling nicely from the roll to allow the next person to avoid the rooting around for the starting point? If I am really busy, I'll even make a paper sailboat and leave it there.

Um - hey, where are you all going? I just...um...nevermind.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Hahahaha! Still here, Laura!

Paper sailboats. Hadn't occurred to me. But I'm not a giver, like you.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Larry Craig was just doing an Astaire? I didn't realize there were tactics involved in the elimination process, but then I work at home.

Oswegan said...

That had me in tears. I love poop humor.

The other big problem with work pooping is the abrasive nature of the cheap tp - not cool.

Irrelephant said...

*lmao* A classic. Glad to see it brought back, in the warm pink light of today. You'll have to give a listen to the radio show from two weeks ago--Gordo and I were discussing men's urinals and etiquette therein; specifically the Urinal Talker.

john personal trainer Austin said...

More scatological vocabulary:

Beaching one - when the turd lands out of the water up on the porcelain.

'mouse said...

Women poop? This is very disturbing news to me.

I brought up question over on Scrine the other day that's on point -- if some idiot is taking a business call while they're crapping do you flush loud and often or do you (male here) not flush the urinal so's not to give them away to whoever they are talking to?