Mar 11, 2008

The oldest email you've been hanging onto.

A'ight, ya old sentimental geeks over *ahem* a certain age. Time to drag out your email albums and share the distant past with the youngsters. Yes it will be about as strange and alien as a picture of you with your Jew-fro and sideburns.

Scaryduck has started trouble in the blogosphere by asking for: the oldest email in your mailbox.

Time, then, for an antique email amnesty. What's the oldest email in your possession, and what's your excuse, PLANET MURDERER.
I note that while many there are bragging, few are atoning or offering excuses. Here's the oldest one I've had, sent to me from the Jolly Roger in January 2000 via my shiny new Yahoo address:

Sent: Monday, January 31, 2000 9:48 AM

Subject: FW: Program Wife 1.0

Dear Technical Support Team,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 2.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to runeverything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command


In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.


Not too much has changed. Eight years later and still the best technical minds can only wish us luck. Vista, anyone?


Erica said...

I found it! Dated: 2/20/05 (gmail), sent by my friend and former high school classmate Melissa to my former English teacher Lucie and me:

“ok ladies when are we going to get together???? I’m planning to go back to work the week of march 6..............i’d like to see you before then if possible if not as soon as possible, --- (ed. her daughter) is getting big and i would like for you to see her................i don’t know if you watch real time with bill maher (ed. F**K NO!!) but it made me think about our last get together, and made me think i got to see the two of get back to me...............i’m going to be spending a lot of time in the slope (ed. my old neighborhood) in the upcoming weeks to you soon .............melissa.”

Never realized how heavy on the elipses she is. Wow. I really need to call her, too, so I guess things don’t change all that much.

Abbadon said...



Attached is an Excel spreadsheet with my notes from our walkthrough with T***** M****.


Exciting shit, that.

Abbadon said...

And I don't think I ever bothered to read the notes.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Good grief, Abbadon. I would've thought you had some sort of contract with Ol' Scratch or some such hanging around.

In fact, I'm gonna scour my Outlook files just to see if I have something older.


Irrelephant said...

I think I have an email around here that's etched in a clay tablet, I think I'm using it to prop up a table with one short leg...

Jean said...

damn... you and the JR are a hoot!
Obviously well-matched :-)

Teresa said...

Later (don't have time right now) I have to boot my old computer and check my emails... I'm betting I've got some golden oldies out there. We shall see.

Teresa said...

Okay, mine doesn't beat yours... it's from 2001 and I posted it at my place. LOL.

Kim said...

I'm a radical email deleter. After a few months they're gone. Especially at work. Even at home. I'm bad. I know.