Apr 12, 2008

American Idol rates Obama's latest number

Honestly, I think the singers on A.I. face tougher criticism than the folks wanting to run our country. That's just messed.up. I'd like to see Obama face the A.I. (so funny, nobody mistakes that abbreviation for "artificial intelligence" since only one part of it would apply.) judges-- and watch them make him cry. Herewith, and with apologies to everyone who can do this sort of schtick better than I, is Obama's performance:

You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them…And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

Dude, I gotta tell you, you totally have got it goin' on, but that was a bit pitchy. I'm not sure it was the best choice for your voice. I mean, the song's got a great message, just between you an' me, but I wasn't feeling like it deserves a record contract based on that performance, Dawg. It was just... okay. It was good enough for the church choir, Dawg, but you gotta bring your best game at this stage of the competition. You gotta get on pitch. Pitchy, dude.

Oh no, Randy. It was beautiful! Obama you... are wonderful and beautiful and my chihuahuas almost jumped out of my bustier with that performance. I just... hope... you... You never change. You have an amazing gift. You should be proud and I just love what your wife picked out for you to wear tonight. You are... yes... you... just... great and I love you!

Sit down, Paula, no one wants your chihuahuas to escape their pen. Personally, Obama, I have to say that, not only did you hit the wrong notes, you came across to the rest of Ameriker as pompous and arrogant. [loud boos!]

"I didn't say it as well as I should have..."

[off camera: he meant to say "when you're bitter you turn to what you can count on." "So people -- they vote about guns, or they take comfort from their faith and their family and their community," he said. But he said he had not meant to imply that was a bad thing.]

Shut up, Ryan.

As I was saying, I think this was not a good choice for someone who, at this point, should be connecting with a wider audience. I mean, what was that? Did you actually think you could hit those notes just because you sing such drivel in the shower at home? I know your wife thinks you sound good, but that's simply not enough to make you ready for this level of competition. And I don't even know what that was scribbled on your hand... let's see...

Oh, very immature. See, I don't think that's very likely, but it is up to Ameriker to decide, I mean, ultimately it comes down to what the people want, and it's really not about you, and if you can't make a majority of the people believe in you, connect with you, it's not going to matter how talented you think you are. And tonight, you really, really, blew it with that sorry choice.

What would you know about choices, Simon? I think,... you... you're... you sorry pile of mushy peas and soggy chips or whatever the hell you people from Britain eat. You're not even an American! At least I'm Syrian- Brazilian- Canadian- American. And I say, yes! Yes! You, Obama are going all the way with such charisma and charm and I've got a new record out and I dance, kinda, in the video and did you see where I--

[ off camera: Shut UP, Paula!]

Update: Whoa! Protein Plasma! Thanks, Dan!
Dan Collins has the hot action on Obama and Hillary's Donk Duet. Don't miss it!


Erica said...

I think you should get the 'sphere's equivalent of the Pulitzer for that.

You're obviously a closet Idol watcher, too, if you can channel them that perfectly.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Heh. I'm gonna make a new catch-phrase for every Obama-gasmer out there that starts to gush that he's all that. I'm just going after trolls with, "Shut UP, Paula!"

Mad William Flint said...

"nobody mistakes that abbreviation for 'artificial intelligence'"

Maybe it's 'cause I'm an uberdweeb but I do. Every... Single... Time...

pamibe said...

That's hilarious, and I only watched one season of AI!

"Shut UP, Paula!"

I'm going to be using that quite a bit... LOL!

Chip Ahoy said...

Ha ha X10


Ha ha X10

*sprays inhaler*

Ha ha X∞

Anonymous said...

Uh, um, ah, well, kinda hadda be there? I know you're funny so ..... Finding out that b. hussein obama insulted the good people of the Commonwealth here(P' slack) and they swooned was staggering. Nothing he says makes any sense to me, wifey either. You will cast for obama? Your marxist, anti-Semitic slip is showing. HA! ;~)

Joan of Argghh! said...

Glasr, you're as unintelligible as ever and don't ever make me use the sarcasm tag.Ever!

I don't want, Shut UP, Glasr! to become a new catch-phrase either...


Anonymous said...

Thank Heavens! Something I could LAUGH with! I'll readily admit, 'ave never seen AI. Understand that if you watch AI you must also watch HOUSE(?). My comment needed to be broken down into three separate, two sentence paragraphs or interrogative - declarative, two declarative, repeat interrogative - declarative combination. I'll be quiet now before you find yourself declaring me crazy. HA! xo ;~)

Robin Starfish said...

"And America voted...to the stool, Obama!" - RS (AI)

Anonymous said...

Yes! Vote him OFF the island! Wrong reality show? No matter what, he should be gonged.

SuperGurl said...

wow. wonderful talent you have displayed here. i especially loved the hand message. very nice.

i actually had someone rush out of my office so they could be home for idol tonight. it was three. i looked at my watch and thought, we're in some serious shit now, ya'll.

That 1 Guy said...

That's frickin' hilarious, Joan!