Jul 19, 2008

Jobs I Won't Be Applying For:

I just have to post this one in its inglorious entirety:

JELLYFISH SEPARATORS Golden Island International, LLC seeks 40 temporary Jellyfish Separators from 09/25/2008-05/30/2009. Principal duties include sorting, separating, washing and cleaning, salting and package jellyfish. Workers will weigh product and put on conveyors, then separate umbrella from manubrium and route to appropriate raceways for cleaning process. Cleaned jellyfish will be hand salted in trays. Fish are transferred to rinsing vat, excess salt removed, and air dried in drum dryers. Dried jellyfish are weighed, packed and labeled. Moving and handling of packed product will be performed manually. Clean work area after. No min edu/experience necessary, 5 days a week, Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, 40 hours. Base salary $9.46 p/h, OT $14.19 p/h applicants to apply in person or by resume; letters of interest to: ....

If you even know what a resume or a letter of interest is, you're overqualified. And who eats dried jellyfish?


This one reads more like it belongs in the Personals catgory:

PRIVATE SECRETARY INTELLIGENT hard working person needed as private secretary and personal aid for newly relocated corporate president and CEO. Requires some computer ability & light house cleaning and errands. Must be able to travel internationally, plan board meetings and social events. Career position pay begins at $35,000/yr. & car & retirement, & 100% health benefits, send recent full length photo & resume to Personal Aid 830-13 ...

*** cheaper than a trophy wife, I'm guessing.

Here we go. Just read the job description. Exhaustive and exhausting. There's not a man in his right mind that would take on this much, but some woman will do all this for $30,000 year or less:

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT: Job duties and responsibilities:
Provides routine daily administrative support services:
Prioritizes, screens, routes and answers routine correspondence not requiring supervisor’s attention to ensure timely and accurate responses; flags all critical information for supervisor’s attention.
Takes, transcribes, composes, edits, and sends a variety of correspondence on behalf of supervisor;
monitors office supply levels and orders as needed; maintains conference room schedules.
Maintains and updates departmental files, records and publications in accordance with company policies and procedures; maintains confidential files and materials.
Maintains spreadsheets and databases input to track information for incoming and outgoing paperwork and reports.
Creates folders, files, books, and binders; faxes, copies, and sorts mail, among other delegated support needs.
Continues to build an in-depth knowledge of company and departments policies and procedures. Researches, compiles, and produces numerous daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly reports and spreadsheets utilizing Hyperion and PDI; reviews, adjusts and highlight areas for further review and consideration by management team; (sounds like you'll do the exec's job, too!) creates Power Point presentations for Region Directors and District Managers. (PPT must. die.)
Performs other duties and special projects as assigned.

***Disclaimer: I've unwittingly taken on such jobs, although never with such an honest description up front. At my last abusive job, just a few weeks after I left, my boss got fired. They discovered that he was a moron when he couldn't give a quarterly report without my help. Small, pointless victory, but I'll take it.

Honorable mentions. Simply because the titles sound bizarre:

Castings Cleanup Person - which sounds like the Hollywood job from Hell.

Sign Spinners
- The next step down from burger wrangling.

Fab Welder
- mediocre welder need not apply.

Mate - well, it is a sea-town after all. Call Mr. G---- He says it's a Pleasure Cruise.

Riggers and Torchmen - I don't care what they do, it just sounds dangerous. And illegal.

I guess I'll keep my current job, if I can ever recover from the bronchitis my new boss gave me.


pamibe said...

I agree with you about the 'private secretary'.

Is there a jellyfish 'season', because it seems to be a temp placement. Can you imagine? What would their normal career be like?

'Hi, I've just been laid off from Ford but I'd love to try my hand at Jellyfish Separating!'

PeggyU said...

Joan: You should send that jellyfish thing to Dirty Jobs. What's the worst job you've ever had? Mine was sorting rotten seed potatoes. I do mean rotten. If you've ever smelled one bad potato, multiply that by several thousand.

A shed of seed potatos pretty much went bad, but the owner tried to salvage as much as he could - hence the situation. Potatoes were first washed (in a drum of Lemon Joy, no less, which added its own uniqueness to the fragrance) and then sorted by hand as they trundled by on a conveyor belt.

On a good day, working on a belt makes me a little seasick. Throw in a few lemon-scented slime-coated decomposing spuds ...

Anonymous said...

Hello Joany, long time no typeee.
I wanna be a Jelly fish seperator, but I don't want to kill them.


Paul (aka Joan's son) said...

FWIW, salted, dried jellyfish is very popular in Chinese cooking and is even used as an "exotic" or "ethnic" ingredient in some very fancy restaurants.

I wonder if you have to wear arm-length gloves while separating jellyfish? Whatever you do, don't wipe your eyes while you're in the midst of sorting the day's load of fireblobs...

Joan of Argghh! said...

Nonny! You live! Just hearing from you makes me smile. How's things across the Pond?

Paul! I should have thought to ask you. It did cross my mind that it may be some weird Japanese delicacy.



USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

I heard peanut butter n' jellfish samiches are popular in China.

GUYK said...

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT: also know as fall guy and dawg robber for the boss..the kind of job to avoid even if it means ya gotta pick tomatoes to get groceries..

Bou said...

That jellyfish job sounds like a job for Sponge Bob. Good Grief.

That bronchitis stuff is nasty wicked. My eldest is on the Zpack and the steroid inhaler... it is bad bad bad! I think he has what you have.