Jul 11, 2008

The Placeholder Party

I've decided that the only way to solvency for me and mine, is to get into politics. If it's good enough for the Kennedy's fortune, it's good enough for my own.

I don't deserve your vote, however, unless I can outline my platform in no uncertain terms and cause you to trust me. Unlike Obama or McCain, I can be straightforward about my ambitions and why I call my effort The Placeholder Party.

Let's see:

I need to make some modest money and have some sort of hope for a pension and a bit of medical care in my old age. That's really all I want out of this. After my first $4 million in savings, I'm done, and the rest of my salary will go to charity. Me and the J.R. will live off of the interest on $4 million quite comfortably. (Update: The EPA places the statistical value of a life at $6.9 million. They have more esteem for my sorry ass than I do!) We have a simple lifestyle and no debt beyond a modest home and one car payment. This is a taxpayer bargain and a small recompense for my having to listen to hours of political drivel.

Oh, and I promise not to provide any press conferences once elected. And no mass mailings or email spam to my constituents. More savings for you if you don't have to hear from me. I can't be courted or bribed, I'm too old to care about eg0-gratification or have my head turned by vast quantities of perqs.

No expensive lunches or entertainment. I have my blog to keep me amused. I'm not going to help any special interests, so no need to bring me gifts or incentives. I have no ambitions at this point.

That's what I call real change and hope for the American people.

What will my constituents get for their money?
Inasmuch as it is in my power, I promise to do as little as possible. See blog title. This is how you know you can trust me. No matter what horrid past scandals of my life, crazy ideas, or emotional moods, you can trust me to do nothing about anything new that comes before my chosen legislative level. No new taxes, no new programs, no renewal of old programs, no new subsidies, no renewal of old subsidies, not even for energy development, although I will do nothing to impede new energy development; nuclear, coal, oil, offshore drilling, whatever.

And no activist judicial appointments.

The only exception will be my guarantee to uphold, you know, the actual pledge of my swearing-in: to defend the U.S. against all foes, foreign and domestic. And to uphold our personal rights to defend oneself. These two things are sacred.

Why the "Placeholder" Party?
Well, it's less than a "proxy" and more than a "conservative" effort. It's a vision for stasis until we can have real leadership. That's the limit of my tenure: $4 million in savings and I'll warm the back benches until someone with the cojones to actually lead the Preservative ideals of anchoring our country back to its foundations comes along.

I know you're thinking, "What's the catch?"
There is no catch. Those are my ambitions. Will it provide me more financial comfort than you? Possibly. But would you really hold that against me more than your local dogcatcher's aspirations and misspent budget? Plus, the unwanted media attention deserves a bit of compensation on par with the dangers of overexposure.

The only thing I need is others who will stand, as citizen-servants, and run for office on this platform. We don't have the luxury of a bicameral system anymore so until either the Republicans can man up and start leading, I think it's better to stand in the gap and hold the fort until reinforcements arrive.

That's it. Imagine: going about your life without hearing what I think, seeing me on television, or worrying about my associations or ambitions. Not so much lassiez faire as it is an act of political preservation.

Join me. Vote for me.

Oh wait. Which office should I aspire to?

Update: Just damn! I've been beaten to it by a far superior choice. ( h/t Don Surber)


Kim said...

I'd be glad to be an official campaign adjunct. You know, an adjunct. I'll give you a job description when I'm not busy posting comments.

I approved this message.

Joan of Argghh! said...

You know i've got a placeholder blogspot called, "Adjunct Insousiance". It just needs an adjunct!

KeesKennis said...

I demand free sex, free cars, free fuels, free joans, free loans three hundred and sixty days a year.
Why can't I write like YOU?

Joan of Argghh! said...

Well, Keesie, you're too busy enjoying your "throw down" challenge to stop and write long tiresome treatises that keep one from conjugal bliss.


Ladies, be sure to check out Keesie's challenge to The Cat's Mother.

dogette said...

I don't care what office. Really, I don't care what platform. Or that you have a platform. I just want HOPE and CHANGE. Just the words, on lots of posters, whenever you speak publicly.

Velociman said...

I want to be the Calvin Coolidge Professor Emeritus of Inertia. Do administrations have professorships?

Keesie: your hand is free. There's your free sex. You're welcome. No charge.

Mrs. Who said...

Well, whenever you decide what office you want, I'll vote for you. Even if I have to vote more than once.

Nancy said...

Count me in. Voting is one thing I can do.

PeggyU said...

Inasmuch as it is in my power, I promise to do as little as possible.

That's EXACTLY what's needed ... a government that leaves well enough alone and doesn't attempt to regulate everything. I think what you are proposing is precisely what the founding fathers intended - limited, hands-off government.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Ah! The Juggernaut is taking off!

(Juggs-or-Not would be a great name for a hotwings establishment.But this is different,)

Anonymous said...

..... Kees and Velociman are just cracking me up.... holy shit......

Van said...

Heh... I think we're all on the same wavelength!

I'd pay good money for a candidate with no ambitions and who'd promise to do nothing... why not you?!


Van said...

Well... ok, so you beat me to the idea by 16 months... but what the hey.