May 24, 2009

Every neighborhood needs a Crabby Old Fart

Fight it all you want, but in your futile quest for eternal youth, you'll still end up like this:

If I had ever slouched around my house, my old mom would have beaten me senselessness with a lemon reamer and then locked me the root cellar to think about the error of my ways.

But these young people today, they’re all hunched over like teenaged Quasimodos with ill-fitting trousers and size 14 high tops. It’s disrespectful, disgraceful and un-American.

They drag themselves down the street with their concave backs, warped morals and damned superior attitudes. It’s like someone has removed their spines and replaced them with red liquorice and arrogance.

Now that's the way to Curmudgeon Heaven! Book-worthy stuff. I can't remember who pointed me to The Crabby Old Fart, but thanks!


julie said...

That is awesome. I know exactly what he means, too. Can one be a crabby old fart at 33? Damn right.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

LOL! Don is hilarious!
Thanks, Joan! :^)

Skully said...

I liked this one too, from the post below it: God Damned Teenagers and There Ridiculous Nicknames Drive Me Crazy;

"But these young people today, they have nicknames like “DXMST,” “DJ Ice Dam” and “Pee Diddly.” God damned ridiculous names that sound like acronyms for the space program, chemical compounds or the tail end of a rude limerick.

They’ve driven the Buick out of Stupidville and arrived safely in Assclown County, folks. I mean really, if I had ever asked my old dad to call me “Phat A” he would have brained me with a pair of ice tongs and changed my nickname to “that idiot boy.” And he’d have been right to do it."

Ha ha! A man after me own heart.

QP said...

You always find the most hilarious, weighty things for your fans.

I also like:
"God Damned Young People Couldn’t Write a Sentence to Save Their Lives!"

Among my Dad's papers, I found an essay I had written. The date on it placed me at 13 years old. The title of the essay is "Telephone Etiquette". Apparently he thought I was abusing the one phone in the house. Dad, being the only boy in his family of five siblings was probably realistically concerned. The essay also contains his grammatical corrections. I use to think he was pretty strick. His early interventions and training have served me well.

QP said...

"By the way", I just put up a post about "Crusie Etiquette" that's sorta fun. Think pirates.

pamibe said...


I knew the hub was a GOF when one night I heard him yell; 'stop pissing in my yard!'Good times.

dogette said...

Love that site. I went back and read some of the early posts and the comments are funny; kids telling him to "chill." His responses are a riot.

patti said...

OMG this is just what I needed! I am so working toward being the female version of this dude when I get old---er. Except probably not as funny.

RBG said...

At this rate, poor old(?) Don is going to be busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. His picture is popping up everywhere. Yours, mine...I still haven't been able to track down the stock photo site his picture came from, even searching with "Waiting to die."

Sal said...

I agree with the QP that you are a cornucopia of wonderful links.
Not that we don't appreciate your own work, as well.

I don't have time to look, but please tell me he did one on tatoos, which is a subset of "So you think you're never going to get old, do ya?"

Yes, that rose is going to look lovely on your withered old dug.

"Time will get you, my pretties. You and your little tea-cup asses, too."

Don Mills said...

Many, many thanks for the link. It was very kind of you indeed.

I look forward to visiting with you regularly. Based on the few posts I've read so far, I suspect I'll be a frequent guest.

Best Regards


Joan of Argghh! said...

Welcome, Don! You are among friends here. Just the other day even my own child, my first born, proudly announced that he had administered his first crabby old fart admonishment to some young punk working in his restaurant kitchen: "hey man, pull up your damn pants. This is an open kitchen and our guests don't need to see your asscrack, kid."

I got a bit misty-eyed at that, I admit!

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Ha ha! You instilled some good principles in yer son, Joan! You and the JR can be proud! He's a fine lad and natural leader. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Ha ha ha! That was hilarious! :^)