May 8, 2009

You're not from around here, are ya?

The post I've been avoiding for years, but dammit, it's time somebody said it like it is.

Way too many "immigrants" here in Florida are just ruining the place. They don't like our food, the way we talk, the way we drive, or how we dress. They hate everything about Florida but insist on living here and turning it into the paradise that was their homeland. . . and if they miss it so much why don't they feckkin' return there?

What? Oh! You thought. . .! No, no. I'm referring to folks from New Jersey, (with the major exception of Jimbo and Suzette . Suzette is from NJ I think, but then if you're north of the M-D Line you might as well be in Canada for all I care. But I know there are other good blogging peeps there. Just stay put, okay?) and a whole lot of others who have remained in Jersey. God bless the faithful holdouts up there. As I am fond of saying, and as Elisson recently quoted from FOTR, "God bless the Jerseyites, and keep them far from us!"

I am a Regionalist! So sue me.

Here in Florida we are inundated with folks who moved down here to live out their wet dreams of rolling the yokels for cash while they can, and to buy two Mediterranean-style houses for the selling price of their "charming cottage" in Jersey. Which are now up for foreclosure.

They really do hate Floridians; the heat, humidity, bugs, and all things Gator. And yet, they refuse to leave until they have told each and every native exactly what they think of them.

Ugly Americans? We're up to our elbows in 'em.

By and large, the majority of NJ transplants are the most unhappy people I've ever met. They are rude without even thinking about it; loud and uncouth, and love pointing out obvious things about your physique at full volume, reading signs out loud, and explaining even the lamest jokes to anyone around them; as though we genteel inbreds can't understand the nuance of innuendo. No such thing as TMI, either. Yeesh. Folks, I've lived here all my life. I'm not making this shit up. It's Seinfeldian in its surreality.

This chip-on-the-shoulder brashness extends into the farthest reaches of the northeastern environs of their home towns, too. That wannabe attitude eats them up, providing fresh fodder for British reality shows about food and hair, and sets them up perfectly for a mean-spirited put down by Stacy and Clinton telling them (and all of us) What Not to Wear (screechin' fashionista fascists).

So their put-upon Self goes seeking something they deem Lesser Than They-- and off they go to Florida.

Oh, they love how we smile when we ask them in our lazy, back-bred drawl, "mo tea, suh?" but they'll give us no end of shit about absolutely anything they know nothing about. Look in the dictionary under "assume" and you'll see a map of New Jersey.

Hell, I'd bet that Dogette's obnoxious semi-nude, bathrobe wearing, gold chain-sporting, trespassing, golf cart racing nabes are likely from NJ. Do I know this for a fact? Only by the circumstantial evidence. No Floridian jury would convict me of slander, even so. NJ transplants are totally unaccustomed to the idea of privacy and decorum, or even good taste. They do everything out loud and in the open, including broadcasted marital disputes; as though our spacious neighborhoods were actually a crowded tenament where the drama-starved can troll for gossip. Damn gossiping tenement dwellers.

Afterthought: It's a wonder Dogette's nabes haven't placed religious statuary in their yard yet, but the millennium is still fresh. Wait and see.

Meanwhile, we'll just go right on secretly spittin' into that tall glass of iced tea and then wink and smile and set it down in front of you. Er. . . ya'll.


Robin Starfish said...

If it makes ya feel any better, Idaho has the same problem with all its Californicators.

Suzette said...

The Real Housewives of NJ starts this week on Bravo. Take a look and then you'll understand why people are so desperate to get out of this state and settle somewhere else.

FYI - I live in NJ now but I'm from ArlenSpecterland. I like to fill out the communication form on his senatorial website with my childhood address as if I was his constituent. Right now, I'm busy demanding my (nonexistant) campaign contributions back.

Mike Wilson said...

Obligatory Erica comment re: The People's Republic of Jersey (with which I will wholeheartedly agree) in...




patti said...

my "people" are from north florida, so i know what you mean - not many people who are actually from florida still live in florida. too many of what we here call snow birds, or half backs. they move from NY or NJ to florida, then make it half way back by settling here in NC. particularly here in the mountains where i live. then they do the same things you are talking about. try to turn our area into what they felt they needed to leave in NY and NJ. cut it out people and leave us alone!

GUYK said...

Yeah, one can always tell people from New 'Joisey'...but not very much.

Joan of Argghh! said...

LOL, Guy! So true. . .

Joan of Argghh! said...

Patti, i've never heard of half backs before, but I like it! I think Nawth Fladah is full of half-bakeds, however.

They went to Miami first, got their brain pans fried in the sun and then moved here, still clinging to the last vestige of being able to have a Florida address.

It was all those damn Jersey retirees in South Floriduh that caused all the election woes for GWB. NOT Floridians.

Elisson said...

I'm so happy you were gracious enough to not include New Yorkers in your diatribe. There is a difference, albeit (at times) a subtle one. And Eli (hizzownself), who spends three months a year in Citrus Hills, could tell you what it is.

As for me, I will be making my semi-dreaded once-every-five-years pilgrimage to Joisey at the end of this month. A full briefing (or a brief filling) will follow.

pamibe said...

Preaching to the choir here, sister Slack! ;)

patti said...

yeah i know about the bush wows vs transplants in florida. my family in jax (lived there long long time they have) was morified by that mess.
my folks were mostly swamp rat and farmer types :) my maternal great grandfather made his living off what he could catch from the creeks that fed the st john's. my father's family were farmers over on the tallahasee side, quincy.
your observations of people from jersey are dead on to what we experiance from them here. WNC is as far north as i care to live. (accepting that suzette is actually from PA :)

top of the chain said...

Ah yes, people wishing to escape a particular environment run away, only to discover that what they had wasn't half bad. Then, they attempt to remake their current location into what they had. Too bad they weren't all that grateful to be thankful what they had to begin with.

Mike Wilson said...

top o': Yeah that's usually true. I gotta say though, living in Brooklyn... I'm ready to go.

My feet haven't touched grass in years.

I think I've got one more round of 'job' left before I make like a tree and getatta here.

Jim - PRS said...

The Usual Suspects will descend upon the Sunshine State next week. We're nice to everyone we meet, we spend lots of money, we tip exceedingly well and we leave y'all in peace after seven days.

Nice place to visit, but too hot too often to live there. Oh, and there are the gators. Yeef!

P.S. Nobody from Jersey says "Joisey." We smile and humor people who offer that one up, much as we do when some horse's ass says, "You're from Jersey? What Exit?"

Froth said...

I've noticed the same sort of, well, assholiness, about peeps who relocate to the Houston area. Realize, I grew up in Wisconsin, lived in Seattle, Chicago and Rochester, NY and if I EVER see snow again it's in another lifetime.
Therefore, when I hear some limp-dicked ignoramus complain about WHAHHH the HUMIDITY. WHAHHH it's HOOOOT.
Well, yeah. That's why we live here you stupe. It's called sun. And no ice. And green most of the year.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Robin only it's Colorado that has been shit upon, mostly Californians. And having not a whit of a historical foundation, they are busy implementing the same policies to the same groups(unions and lawyers) that has put CA in the trash bin.

Just a few years ago this state was a solid red state, now the dems control it and are well on their way to killing us. Just like what escapees from Jersey are doing to Florida. And NC.

My motto is "Fit in or fuck off" Liberals are a cancer, spreading everywhere and oblivious to the death throes the host is going through.

Sal said...

What Walt said, only Dallas/Fort Worth.
And, no, we can't drive on the frickin' ice. We don't get to practice that skill much, see?
Nor can we make pizza, or a good deli sandwich.
Shut up and eat your BBQ.