Aug 29, 2009

There's Never Been a Better Time To Be a Guy: Beer Edition

Ladies, just let me clue you in on something: if you want to impress a guy, then know all kinds of stuff about beer.

Holy.Crap.

You wanna see a man come alive and see the ol' spark in his eyes? Just say, "Chimay" or buy him a kegerator, or whisper, "India Pale Ale" and know why it's called that. Understand everything about Trappist Beers and who can actually lay claim to them. Know why 120-minute Dogfish Head in a 12 oz bottle costs the same as a bottle of table wine.

Want something special from him? Buy him a popular mini-mini Keg.

Treat him to a Build-your-own-sixpack-of-exotic-beers night. Forget the sexy negligees. Most guys consider the beer carton to be beautiful when it's empty on the floor, just like that teddy from VS. And there's never been more craft brews available, even in the grocery stores. It's a Beer World and it's where guys want to live, ladies.

Its siren call has a hold on your man and if you want him to notice you just say, Arrogant Bastard.

When I answer the phone at work and I get a guy asking about the Holy Grail of Beer Experiences, namely, The Keg, it's as though he needs a whole catechism of information about it. It is his Love, his Muse, his Destiny. Beer! A guy buying a keg is helpless in its thrall. How many servings? Can I get a tap? How many types? How much? Can I reserve it? It's important! Can I reserve one? Are you sure it'll be there? Can you do a special order?

His own first-born male child does not hold his attention as squarely as The Keg.

I worry. Guys still like the girls, but if you could see what I've seen these last few months ladies, you'd be brushing up on your hops, wheats, stouts and pales. I watch the menfolk become total pushovers when I speak beer-speak to them. I am the Bringer of Beer Knowledge and this makes me totally hawt, okay? I send them home to you with a wink and a smile, girls. It's up to you to do the rest.

8 comments:

PeggyU said...

India Pale Ale is good. Beyond that, I know nothing.

Ex-Dissident said...

Shit. The secret is out. Do you realize Joan, that you just revealed the path to total domination over us? How could you? We are powerless against a woman armed with this secret knowledge.

pamibe said...

My guy doesn't drink beer, so I buy him computer parts. Same thing, really... ;)

Ricky Raccoon said...

I like beer. No question.
But I wish I liked it this much.
Good thing about it though, as you say, no one can tell.
Even tried tellin the boys I don't. They don't believe it.
Or they pretend to not believe it.
Anyway, here's to the limitless power of beer.

Ricky Raccoon said...

Pamibe,
There's a bar song about a guy building a huge computerized mechawarriorbot to defeat all the booze stores and bring us all the beer. All these years I thought it was just a bar song.

sam (EOTIS) said...

I'm looking for a woman who knows beer and plays guitar.

Wink smile.

dick said...

I don't drink beer, but the concept of the post is still sound.

mrvinnie said...

You are surely a descendant of Ninkasi, the ancient Sumerian Goddess of Beer.