Sep 19, 2009


I talk like a Pirate every day.

But for today, let me just state for the record that the next male customer in line at my store that hatefully throws his money down on the scanner, or the belt, or in some other way makes me reach for it instead of placing it in my outstretched hand, that cocksucking, bilge-swallowing piece of shit will be flensed, then keelhauled, then lashed to the bowsprit where the wind will blow the foul stench of his rotting flesh before the ship, so that others may be warned that Joan of Argghh! be master and commander of her own vessel, brooking no show of disrespect to her person or station. As on some vile Reaver vessel, his putrescent corpse thus proudly displayed will serve as a stern rebuke and aspersion unto others of his sub-human species that there be a reckonin' for such as he.

I tell my more charming customers that while they may be at the game or the beach or otherwise engaged in frivolities aided by my Pantheon of Apothecary Spirits, I shall attend to my "high" calling: keeping the populace properly hydrated and libated. Don't ye dare consider a smile, ye skurvy dog! Alcohol used to be the purview of the priestess. Not a far stretch for a pirate, either.

Avast. Away with all of ye. I'll be enjoying a bit o' grog and a fine cigar soon and I don't want to be pestered with yer yammerin' flap-jawed observations on the meaning of a pirate's friggin' life. Go get yer own, bilge-rats.


pamibe said...

Aarrrr... I missed it this year! But when Joan the pirate does shiver someone's timbers... so to speak... I hope someone is on hand with a camera... ;)

Erica said...

I think it's sexy, like in a Xena way, when you talk like a pirate.

Anonymous said...

Good Grief. Poor guy was just trying to score a 40' and probably had no idea how close he came to being flensed within a whisker of his life.
BTW...I had to look up "flensed" and it doesn't sound at all pleasant. (As long as I discard the Urban Dictionary's definition of "flensing" as "Throwing your shoulders back in an effort to hide your man-boobs during sex.")

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Damn straight! :^)

Skully said...

Hell, when are they gonna have "talk like a privateer day?"
I mean, sure, we talk kinda like pirates (American pirates anyways) and we might look like 'em...sorta, but there is a diff.

Of course, there's also a fine line sometimes 'tween the two when ya got wishy washy pollyticians.
Spineless as jellyfish and far more stingy they be.

Priestess of the Pantheon of Apothecary Spirits you say?
Why lady Joan, now I know where I'm goin' for leave.

PeggyU said...

That was pretty good :) I can picture a repentant customer, cowering inches away from the jagged edges of a broken bottle of rum brandished by our lovely hostess.