Apr 20, 2010

The Audacity of an Au Pair Insurgency

Since we've all gone off to work and allowed the State to raise our children, should we be surprised that our own children have embraced the State?

Oh, blather on about the hypocrisy of the Left and the Media. I don't see the point in any more self-satisfying observations about the outrageous duplicity of our overlords. They mean slavery for you and I, but not for them.

We may not be able to turn this tide from the top down, since it got its votes from the bottom up and now controls the vote count as well. I hate to think of myself as a pessimist, opting rather for the role of likely realist. And I'm as likely as the next to soar on inspiration and belief and urge others to it, but the ground and gravity will win out, I fear.

So let's go to ground and make it our ally.

I found myself mulling all of my own fine recommendations for the job of au pair. I raised one fine son, why not another's? Music, art, and classical literature, bi-lingual, up-to-date on computer technology (except for BlackBerry. Crap!) and a more-than-casual Judeo-Christian theological background. Why not rock another's cradle and raise up a leader or at least a voter? And who has the sort of money to pay me my worth and keep me in comfort and security while I do such a dastardly deed? At this rate, only a government employee.

I am sure they would be delighted to see many once-prosperous and well-educated Americans doing the important work of raising their children to at least be able to read and write, do math, and hold a knife and fork correctly. If anyone understands the failings of the public school system, it is those who foisted it upon us. We could be the next bragging point for the Foggy Bottom set:

"Our au pair used to run an international financial management concern!"

"Oh how nice, but you just must meet our over-qualified Margaret. Our kids adore her administrative skills and ability to fend off spammers and telemarketers from their iPhone! She used to be an executive secretary for Goldman-Sachs!"

You just know that will go over big with their footling under-secretaries, goading more of them into a clamor for our services. And Hollywood celebrities would follow suit, like the thralls they are. Mexican gardeners will be as last-season as the petunias. Desperate Housewives or Househusbands will have fantasies about the professional educator and companion they've hired for their spawn. We've already seen a propensity for Nanny-chic from our government and the reality TV shows. I think it could work. Of course, someone will need to manage a fine stable of modern philosopher-slaves for the nouveau elite and I'm downtown with that idea. Perhaps I could score a sweet government grant if I knew just the right politician.

I would start a series of community au pair organizations around the country and only hire like-minded oppressed classes of small business owners, office workers, insurance adjusters and engineers. Wouldn't hurt to have a bevy of building contractors and some carpenter framers for families that want their kids to have a summer camp experience of old-fashioned diligence, building barracks for the poor (and getting an earful of real political sedition.) Plus, busy government moms need eye-candy, too.

This would work fine for doctors, as well. Children love and respect the Doctor. Why shouldn't a small army of patriot health care providers be involved in the home-health of the children of privilege, reporting their parents to one of the soon-to-be Health Committees? How nice to be the Obamas' doctor and report them to the Authority for Home Health because they smoke around the kids and use salt and butter. I'm sure that would serve some political adversary's goals for drawing political blood in a political shark tank.

If we shall be reduced to begging for work, make it a point to position ones self where menial labor becomes the very first shot in organizing ourselves for a better future. After all, our enemy (yes, I believe that's a proper definition at this point) started from the cradle up. We may not like the long and patient way ahead of us, but truthfully--all the feints and brave talking aside-- you will never take up arms against your stupidly benign neighbor who is hiding securely behind the State's Authority, so it's best to get started now.

You can practice writing your CraigsList ad in the comments, if you like. I'm nothing if not all about padding my resume with attributes like helpful to strangers.


mushroom said...

Former software engineer with a degree in Psychology can instruct your progeny in the finer points of design, hacking, and cracking. Once fluent in French, I can pick it up again and prep your little ones to fit in with the new Euroweenie order.

I am well-versed in 18th and 19th century English literature, history, and theology. Your darlings will be little founts of useless and esoteric knowledge.

I am competent in Western Seat and all things equestrian. My areas of expertise also cover security, weapons training, and basic self-defense, both armed and -- heck, I'm never unarmed -- I have a knife in my pajamas.

Our summer projects will include building fences and poles structures, clearing brush with hand tools, plowing corn, baling hay, and bass fishing. Fall projects will consistent primarily of deer hunting, butchering hogs, and making shine out of the corn we grew. Winter projects will be poker, drinking shine, reloading and jacklighting. During the Spring, our main activity will be kayaking and finishing off the shine from last fall.

My program is guaranteed to produce well-rounded, robust-thinking individuals with a skill set and knowledge base that will have Ivy League institutions knocking down your door (to get away). Your offspring will be equipped with the perfect foundation for taking their place in society as tyrannical, hedonistic robber barons and inveterate practical jokers with a slightly sadistic streak and a weird fixation on cowboy boots, big blades, and fake boobs.

Joan of Argghh! said...

I have a knife in my pajamas


julie said...

No, no, no, Mushroom - you can't be so blatantly honest! These are children of government employees, after all. Mommy and Daddy don't want to hear about well-roundedness or self-reliance. And they certainly don't want Jr. to have a work ethic, it would make them look bad.

No, they'll want their little girls to learn to be hoochie, and their little boys to grow up to be fashionable members of the doucheoisie.

If you were hired, you'd find your every idea hamstrung by helicopter parents who want to micromanage every detail of the day, to be sure their precious lumplings develop a high self esteem.

No, first you must reassure them that under your ministrations, their darling larvae will be raised to the exacting standards of government employees everywhere. This is where a creative use of language would come in. You could say that you'd educate the little darlings in the finer details of organic farming and communing with nature, so as best to discern the most earth-friendly foods at their local farmer's market/ Whole Foods.

For computer skills, you could say that you'd provide the finest in defensive techniques to avoid online predators and to troll certain undesirable types of blogs and message boards.

Any mention of cowboy paraphernalia is right out. The French instruction is probably fine as it is, though.

PeggyU said...

A fine idea, Joan! Aristotle was a slave - and tutor to Alexander the Great. I'd say that's a position of influence.

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than they who produce them; for these only gave them life, those the art of living well.

All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.

Joan of Argghh! said...

I dunno, Julie. You may be overestimating the sentient abilities of government employees. I think status and power is all they know and are frankly mystified when someone asks them any question of real import. Should be easy enough to allay their concerns with, as you pointed out, clever redirection of terms and intentions.

It's worked well enough for Obama.


Peggy, awesome quote!

julie said...

That's a good point, Joan. They're generally probably closer to the "It's a security light" mentality. Not that I have a clue what Dogette's neighbors do for a living, but it seems about right.

And I second the awesomeness of Peggy's quote.

Jean said...

Fuck it. I'm reading to walk off into the woods. With or without a gun.

Joan of Argghh! said...

I'm pert near there m'self, Jean.

I have guns, however.


sheri said...

And "busy government moms" eventually send their kids Sidwell Friends.

Doux said...

heh Could not afford you is right. Skunking the parents of the accessories to send their progeny to Hillsdale, serving in the RA, would be like the magician pulling the table cloth from under dinner for eight, disturbing nothing, until you owned them!

Remember? You remember. That's what I did for 35 years. Peel one off the pile, subvert uh, um, ah, well I mean change their heart, change their mind, toss back. heh ;~)

Doux said...

Please. Firearms. Guns are the sum total of your bicep + triceps. heh ;~)